Emotional homelessness.
Some time ago, I wondered what was behind all the pain and disabilities in my body. Of course, there are clear stories and causes I know of. Many experiences led to old dramas or traumas I went through, something that is also shared by people like Gabor Maté, Bessel van der Kolk and people in the field of Neuro-science.
But, despite the work I did on it, the therapies, treatments, and painkillers…it didn’t work toward less pain.
But then, after an Embodiment session, a non-conceptual memory of being separated from my mother after birth came forth. It recalled a deep sadness the baby must once have felt.
The birth took place in the hospital, and in those days, the idea was that babies needed as much sleep as possible. Therefore, they were put aside, except during feeding and nappy changes. For all those 14 days, the baby was laid apart and isolated.
Imagine how this would be for an adult who at least can communicate with caretakers and relate the situation to a certain condition. But a soul, born into a complete new world such as a human body, totally depended and isolated for 14 days without any understanding, knowing, communication…
And then, when mom went home, she followed this treatment without any question—having my own little sleeping room, separated from family life with all its sounds and smells.
There is an echo of lying on my back and putting all my energy into hearing; an early conditioning focused on help, safety, nourishment; all coming from the outside.
In the days that followed the session, the sadness was welcomed and accepted; it felt like an echo of long ago, and by simply listening to it, without any purpose, something slowly began to dawn. Not in a mental way, but a seeing through the patterns that have been developed to avoid this pain, this being put aside and left alone. It felt like watching a film that showed me how my focus has been on wanting to know what was going on with the people around me, in my partner, on finding connecting rituals when working with a class. It also became clear how I could have believed my mother was my best friend when my siblings talked about abandonment, neglect, and bad motherhood. How the need to be in contact with people has been a constant deeply hidden panic of being left in this huge emptiness and nothingness the baby ever experienced.
I saw how the literal pain and disabilities of the body have been connected to a deep anger that nearly burned me down to ashes. And becoming aware of this all, it felt lost, deeply, deeply lost. Not lonely but lost in an aloneness I didn’t consciously know of.
The only thing I could do was sit with it. Seeing what has been put under the carpet for so many years. It silenced my mind, slowed my movements, and closed my eyes again and again. It made me sit on the balcony without any notion of time.
Then I read something which immediately was recognized as the state where I lived for a long time: ’emotional homelessness’.
These two words, emotional homelessness, made so much sense that it deepened an earlier understanding that it was exactly this that brought me at the feet of my Master. And probably many other people too.
All those years there has been a longing to be at home, and I tried to realize that in the jobs I had, in relationships, in becoming a mother myself, in so many ways. I knew it but had never seen that it was the emotional hunger and ‘homelessness’ that drove me my whole life.
Moving to another country in the last decade, to be close to my Master and the sangha, has been an expression of this longing to be home. It could have been a spiritual bypassing of a pain that has never been held. It could have been, for sure. But, it is thanks to sharing with sangha friends and be with the Master, that all these dis-coveries became possible. It is the call to wake us up to our own responsibility, our own authenticity, our own true self in any way possible. It is not the easiest way to walk, but in the sangha there are living examples and being closer to them and the Master means becoming closer to ourselves. It reminds us again and again of this truth.
I don’t know what a devotee means or how it feels, I don’t know about anything worshipping. The only feeling that matters is that being here within this sangha and being with this Master, heals me.
It is a process of deep cleaning of all that covered what has been born in this body.
Words like ‘surrender to the Master’ or ‘following a Master’ don’t say anything about what truly happens when being open and allowing to find shelter in this relating.
It reminds me of my childhood experiences, listening to stories about Jesus.
In this, reconnecting now with the Beloved, who is touching us literally again and again, a resurrection takes place.
Jai Ho.
The therm ‘Emotional Homelessness’ is coming from a book of Sara Sheehan.